The next step toward Extreme Self-Care is to learn how to let go of control. If you’re not sure if you have control problems, ask yourself if you:
• Feel the need to refold towels or reload the dishwasher so that it’s done the “right” way. • feel like the weight of the world is resting on your shoulders • chronically complain about how much you have to do • dream about packing a bag and heading to a desert island • find yourself crying, or feeling like you need a good cry, at unexpected places • yelling at the dog, your spouse and/or child(ren), or at drivers in front of you who are driving the speed limit • are so exhausted that the idea of brushing your teeth feels like too much work. There are many reasons why people don't like to ask for help. See if any sound familiar... * "I don't want to appear weak." * "It takes too much time/energy to explain what I need." * "I hate being disappointed when people don't follow through." * "It's too much trouble to fight with family members who resist helping." * "I don't want to hear no." * "I don't want to feel indebted to anyone." Behind these excuses is a desire to... yep, you guessed it... remain in control. -- Adapted from The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org
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According to The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson:
"If you currently feel that you're not organized or grounded, there's a good chance that the peace of mind you long for lies in your ability to create a natural rhythm in your life..." Creating routines can be a "surprisingly powerful act of Extreme Self Care." These routines can be formed in both your personal and professional life, such as: * Going to bed and getting up at the same time every day. * Working out at the same time each week. * Scheduling a work meeting at the same time each week. * Meditating * Going for a walk * Spending time with a loved one * Checking voicemail and email at predetermined times during the day. * Giving yourself 20 minutes at the end of the day to tie up loose ends. Choose one thing and focus on it for a week. At the end of the week, ask yourself if the new routine has helped you feel more relaxed, less overwhelmed, and/or more productive. www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org Guidelines for staying strong while taking good care of yourself:
1. Buy some time. When someone asks you to do something, put some space between the request and your answer. Before automatically agreeing, tell the person that you'll get back to them. Second, let the person know up front that you may not be able to commit. Telling a person right away that you're cutting back on your hectic schedule takes pressure off you and encourages the person asking for help to consider other options sooner rather than later. 2. Do a gut check. Check to see if the request that's being made of you is something you'd really like to do. Rating your desire on a scale of 1-10 might help, as well as asking yourself, "If I knew this person wouldn't be angry, disappointed, or upset, would I say no?" Often, we respond to other's desires before considering our own needs. Certainly, there will be times that we do things for others we would rather not do, in order to be supportive of the relationship. Make sure these things are done to show love or strengthen connection, not out of guilt or obligation (which can lead to resentment). 3. Tell the truth directly - with grace and love. -- Be honest about how you feel without over explaining yourself. Be genuine in your explanation, but don't give the impression that you're open to any discussion. -- Stick to one or two concise lines about why you cannot fulfill the request. -- Offer a recommendation, if you have one, as to how the person might be helped. Remember, you are responsible TO others to tell the truth with respect and care, but you are NOT responsible FOR their emotions. Don't measure success by the response you receive from the other person, but by how you feel once your anxiety about the conversation disappears. More than likely, you'll feel a sense of relief! -- Adapted from The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org Part of extreme self-care is learning to say no to things that are not healthy for you. This means that we will let others down, something many of us are uncomfortable doing.
For the remainder of this week, we will look at some guidelines for staying strong in saying no while taking good care of yourself. Your first priority in learning to place healthy boundaries, however, is to surround yourself with a support system that will make it easier for you "to tell and live your truth". These people can be a spouse, friends, or coworkers and will hold you up as you take your first wobble steps toward self-care. Who will you turn to for support?? -- Adapted from The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson I love this quote from The Art of Extreme Self-Care, by Cheryl Richardson:
"To practice Extreme Self-Care, you must learn to love yourself unconditionally, accept your imperfections, and embrace your vulnerabilities. From a spiritual perspective, it's about recognizing that you're a soul in a physical body who's here to learn to be more of who you really are. When you treat and view yourself with the respect you deserve, you experience the peace that comes from being present to yourself. The reason it's so hard to look deeply into your own eyes is because it forces the ego to step aside as you experience a moment of seeing your true nature: a spiritual being housed in a physical shell." -- Adapted from The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson www.LifeRenewalCounseling.org "Awareness is a powerful catalyst for positive change".
Become aware of the areas in your life that you feel drained and the ways in which you deprive yourself of what you need (sleep, exercise, "down" time). What do you need more of right now? What do you need less of? Who or what is causing you to feel resentful and why? Taking the time to answer these questions will help you gain greater clarity about what your soul needs most for care and restoration. -- Adapted from The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson Extreme Self-Care is more of an art than a science. It takes patience, commitment, practice, and the willingness to work through some initially uncomfortable feelings of guilt (for making your needs a priority), fear (of being judged or criticized by others), or anxiety (from challenging long-held beliefs and behaviors and implementing change).
These uncomfortable feelings are temporary, however, and worth facing in order to reap the benefits of practicing self-care -- peace, vitality, and improved relationships among them. Which of these uncomfortable feelings do you struggle most with? -- Adapted from The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson Instead of viewing self-care as being selfish, consider the pre-flight instruction a stewardess gives that tells adults to put on their own oxygen mask before that of their child.
When we care for ourselves in a deliberate manner, we begin to care for others in a healthier and more effective way. We become more conscious and conscientious. We make choices out of love and compassion instead of guilt and obligation. (And what a wonderful example to set for those we care about!) Does the idea of self-care make you feel guilty and selfish? How will you challenge these feelings today? -- Adapted from The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson * Surrounding yourself with people who are only interested in a two-way relationship.
* Eliminating clutter from your life. * Creating and maintaining a soul-nourishing work and home environment. * Not making any commitments whatsoever out of guilt or obligation. * Making pleasure a regular priority (ie, taking an afternoon break from work to take a short walk, enjoying a massage, listening to music, drinking your favorite tea, ordering fresh flowers for your office). Your assignment for today is to take an action step in any of the above areas. You can do it! -- Adapted from The Art of Extreme Self-Care by Cheryl Richardson To conclude this month's focus on Hal Runkel's new book, Scream-Free Marriage: Calming Down, Growing Up, and Getting Closer, we look at a third truth: If You're Not Part of the Solution, Then You're Still Part of the Problem.
This truth reminds me of the mantra a friend has with the children she works with at church: If You're Not Helping, You're Hurting. However you word it, the idea is that of self-responsibility. Runkel labels this self-responsibility in the context of marriage relationship "Authentic Self-Representation", achieved by Calming Down, Growing Up, Getting Closer, and Repeating. 1. Calm Down- First, create a pause for yourself so you don't "lose it". Look back at past situations where you didn't "lose it" and try to determine what helped you keep your calm in that circumstance. Then, "Go to the Balcony", as Runkel says. After you've pressed the pause button, try to seek clarity about the situation by "taking it upstairs", away from emotions to a more analytic and cognitive perspective. This can be challenging during the heat of an argument; however, the more you practice, the easier it gets. Throughout this process, try to remember that when you are focused on your own behavior - and not your spouse's - your spouse is forced to look at his/her behavior himself/herself. 2. Grow Up- with this new perspective, you can challenge yourself to "Spot Your Pattern" and realize how you contribute to the situation. Remember that marital problems usually have patterns, and these patterns always have partners. This is a dance that both you and your partner participate in, often stepping on each other's toes. After you have realized your contribution to the problem pattern, you can "Step on the Scales" and really examine yourself in a discerning and accurate way. This allows you to understand why your part in the pattern means so much to you and prioritize what is most important to you in your relationship. These steps can be some of the most challenging when working on your relationship, and you might benefit from seeing a therapist to help you see things objectively. 3. Get Closer- this is where the rubber meets the road -- where you move from theory to reality in your interactions with your spouse. The first step is to "Show Your Cards" and risk revealing your true self and needs to your spouse, in spite of the fear that this revelation might not be well-recieved. Be aware that this is not an attempt to manipulate your spouse into the same action. This is simply a step to make yourself known to your spouse. In the process of "Showing Your Cards", however, you can "Champion Your Spouse" by welcoming and encouraging your spouse to do the same. In essence, the idea is that your spouse will be so drawn by your Authentic Self-Representation that he/she will want to do the same WITHOUT pressure from you to do so. 4. Repeat- because life is life, naturally full of stress and conflict, you'll have ample opportunity to continue this pattern of Authentic Self-Representation. Obviously, these posts merely touch the surface of Runkel's book. Runkel continues to address several aspects of marriage that can lead to conflict (Time Accountability, Extended Families, Household Management, and Sexuality). Like its predecessor, Scream-Free Parenting, Scream-Free Marriage is on my list of recommended reads. If you're ready to become "scream-free" in your marriage and/or parenting and would like some help, give Life Renewal a call today. |
AuthorsThe author of Life Renewal Counseling's Blog is Jennifer Street, LCSW. Earlier posts are credited to our former counselor, Yolanda Harper, LCSW. For more information on Jennifer please visit the "About Us" section of our website. Archives
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